I have never been the greatest April Fool. Mind you, I can be a fool at any time of the year, but as far as perpetrating a good April Fool's joke I have come up a bit short. Nothing that ever really compared to what I considered the standard: my mom calling to the three kids early in the morning, "Snow! It's snowing, kids, run and look!"
My sister, brother, and I ran to the living room shutters and threw them upon . . . to gaze on a sunshiny and blue sky morning. It was April 1 and we lived in San Jose, California. If we had given even a moment for rational consideration we would not have fallen for it. But we were young, sleepy, and Mom was usually a trustworthy sort, so we ran, and looked, and were disappointed, and then laughed. If I remember it practically forty years later you know it must have been good.
I probably pranked my kids when they were young, but nothing really comes to mind. Which makes them not memorable. The one I do remember was when a friend and I taught kindergarten in adjoining rooms back around 2006. I was in Room 13 and Aimee was in Room 14 but we taped paper over those numbers on the classroom doors and wrote the other number. We swapped the pupils' pencil boxes and a few other items to give the semblance of our own rooms.
When the morning bell rang, we opened each other's door and looked at each other's students. I said, "Mrs. Kalivoda is over there" and pointed down to my classroom. Her students scampered to her as mine walked toward me with a thousand questions. The parents looked a bit confused as well.
Escorting the students inside, I pretended that nothing was the matter and proved my thesis by pointing out their pencil boxes. Then I passed out their morning work and told them to get busy. Through the opening to Room 13 we could see Aimee was doing the same thing with her students.
The parents figured it out, laughed, and left. Most of them figured it out. I think a few truly thought we had changed classrooms. Aimee and I continued the joke for a while, with morning read-alouds in the wrong rooms. Then we got back to normal.
Proof that it was successful and memorable: a sixth grader who experienced that joke-of-jokes six years ago just brought it up, telling me how funny it was. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all the proof I need.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Beyond an Ironman
You are probably familiar with the triathlon: swim, bike, and run. The Ironman is the über-triathlon . . . 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bicycle ride, followed by your garden variety marathon of 26.2 miles. I can only dream of such a thing; I'm just not that much of a swimmer. An acquaintance is competing in the Texas Ironman this May and I look forward to hearing of his adventure.
I have run marathons, 36 to this point. Though truth be told two of those were 50-milers. I have spent time on my feet. Last year I rode my bicycle about 4600 miles. I aspire to a few other achievements, namely the Tahoe Triple (three marathons in three days, encircling the lake) and another 12-hour footrace (rather than how fast can you run a distance, this is how far can you go in an amount of time).
Maybe we're all nuts, but let me tell you, what I have to impart here is really nuts.
In Brooklyn, New York, in 1879, an Englishwoman named Ada Anderson walked 2700 quarter miles in 2700 quarter hours. Consecutively. To rephrase: every fifteen minutes she walked a quarter mile, or one lap around a conventional track. By timing it right, in other words walking one quarter-mile at the beginning of a quarter-hour and walking the next quarter-mile toward the end of the next quarter-hour, she might have twenty minutes rest max. Usually it was more like ten.
And she did this for 28 days, without cease. Every fifteen minutes, a lap. Can you say sleep deprivation? I knew you could.
Two years later, Exilda La Chapelle exceeded this accomplishment in Chicago. She walked 3000 quarter miles in 3000 quarter hours. That's 31 days and change.
No more whining from me about how hard it is to run for four or five hours. Clearly I ain't done nothin' yet. There's a track over at the Campbell Community Center. Maybe I'll look into taking it over for a few hours . . . or a few weeks. Maybe I'll give a go at this insane physical accomplishment. Maybe I'll call Kurtis and see if he wants to join me.
I have run marathons, 36 to this point. Though truth be told two of those were 50-milers. I have spent time on my feet. Last year I rode my bicycle about 4600 miles. I aspire to a few other achievements, namely the Tahoe Triple (three marathons in three days, encircling the lake) and another 12-hour footrace (rather than how fast can you run a distance, this is how far can you go in an amount of time).
Maybe we're all nuts, but let me tell you, what I have to impart here is really nuts.
In Brooklyn, New York, in 1879, an Englishwoman named Ada Anderson walked 2700 quarter miles in 2700 quarter hours. Consecutively. To rephrase: every fifteen minutes she walked a quarter mile, or one lap around a conventional track. By timing it right, in other words walking one quarter-mile at the beginning of a quarter-hour and walking the next quarter-mile toward the end of the next quarter-hour, she might have twenty minutes rest max. Usually it was more like ten.
And she did this for 28 days, without cease. Every fifteen minutes, a lap. Can you say sleep deprivation? I knew you could.
Two years later, Exilda La Chapelle exceeded this accomplishment in Chicago. She walked 3000 quarter miles in 3000 quarter hours. That's 31 days and change.
No more whining from me about how hard it is to run for four or five hours. Clearly I ain't done nothin' yet. There's a track over at the Campbell Community Center. Maybe I'll look into taking it over for a few hours . . . or a few weeks. Maybe I'll give a go at this insane physical accomplishment. Maybe I'll call Kurtis and see if he wants to join me.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
No Breakthrough
Well, it is always nice to be nominated, even if you don't win. That's what celebrity always say after the Oscars or the Tonys or the Emmys or the . . . other million award ceremonies where celebrities get all celebrified.
It is nice to be nominated. That's why I nominated myself for Amazon's Breakthrough Novel awards last month. I don't know how many were turned away from first round voting, but I survived. And now that the second round cut has been made, I have been vanquished. Summarily dismissed. I am not amongst the 250 still with the potential of being officially published (of course 249 of those people will be soon crying in their soup as I am now, but for right now they are winners!).
This was to be expected. It wasn't as unlikely as, say, winning the lottery, but the odds were against me. And now the odds have fallen on me.
But cheer on with me those who remain, for they are all potential winners. One real winner, but 250 potential winners. And that will have to sustain them until the moment they are disappointed. I will do my part toward restoring their faith in humanity by offering my two self-nominated books, Will Teach For Food and The Average Family, for sale. Here. Other great books are there as well. Take your time while browsing.
Sure, it is nice to be nominated, but it is better to win.
It is nice to be nominated. That's why I nominated myself for Amazon's Breakthrough Novel awards last month. I don't know how many were turned away from first round voting, but I survived. And now that the second round cut has been made, I have been vanquished. Summarily dismissed. I am not amongst the 250 still with the potential of being officially published (of course 249 of those people will be soon crying in their soup as I am now, but for right now they are winners!).
This was to be expected. It wasn't as unlikely as, say, winning the lottery, but the odds were against me. And now the odds have fallen on me.
But cheer on with me those who remain, for they are all potential winners. One real winner, but 250 potential winners. And that will have to sustain them until the moment they are disappointed. I will do my part toward restoring their faith in humanity by offering my two self-nominated books, Will Teach For Food and The Average Family, for sale. Here. Other great books are there as well. Take your time while browsing.
Sure, it is nice to be nominated, but it is better to win.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A Postcard You Wouldn't Expect #2
Last week I shared a postcard from 1993. Later the next year, the same fellow sent another greeting to the two girls and their newly arrived brother. So, three kids, aged four years and younger, took a look at the picture of William Shakespeare's birthplace in Stratford-upon-Avon, and then read the following:
Hi [names removed]!
We're having a lovely time in England. We have visited charming English gardens, mighty medieval castles, grand, dramatic cathedrals, Shakespeare's delightful home--pictured here--and the pastoral Lakes. Everything went smoothly until the railroad workers went on strike and shut down the trains. Those bastards. I think I'm going to kick all of their asses.
Love, Uncle [XXXX] and Aunt [XXXX]
Wasn't it nice of him to drag his wife into his unholy message?
Hi [names removed]!
We're having a lovely time in England. We have visited charming English gardens, mighty medieval castles, grand, dramatic cathedrals, Shakespeare's delightful home--pictured here--and the pastoral Lakes. Everything went smoothly until the railroad workers went on strike and shut down the trains. Those bastards. I think I'm going to kick all of their asses.
Love, Uncle [XXXX] and Aunt [XXXX]
Wasn't it nice of him to drag his wife into his unholy message?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Couples Relay Results
If you read about the race I signed up my wife for without telling her, I can now share the results with you. Actually, even if you didn't read it I can share them.
Kristin and I ran in the 33rd annual Lake Merritt Joggers and Striders' Couples Relay on February 27, 2011. One partner runs around the lake first, and then tags off the second runner. It is just about exactly a 5K for each (3.1 miles). The female runs first. On our team, that would be Kristin. She was worried about coming in last, but as she has never come in last place in any run that was unlikely. The competition did look a bit fierce. Lots of real "runners" in their runner clothes and doing their runner warm ups.
Since it is a Couples Relay, the only results that count are the team results. We came in 150 out of 155, which is definitely not last place. If Kristin tells you that she came in last in the first group of runners, or that nearly twenty teams or so completed both laps before she completed her own, tell her that doesn't matter. Tell her emphatically. She didn't come in last place! In fact, she did her 5K in 44:30, which is a very fine performance indeed. I was able to pass a couple of blokes on my lap, thus are slight rise from last place.
Go Team!
Kristin and I ran in the 33rd annual Lake Merritt Joggers and Striders' Couples Relay on February 27, 2011. One partner runs around the lake first, and then tags off the second runner. It is just about exactly a 5K for each (3.1 miles). The female runs first. On our team, that would be Kristin. She was worried about coming in last, but as she has never come in last place in any run that was unlikely. The competition did look a bit fierce. Lots of real "runners" in their runner clothes and doing their runner warm ups.
Since it is a Couples Relay, the only results that count are the team results. We came in 150 out of 155, which is definitely not last place. If Kristin tells you that she came in last in the first group of runners, or that nearly twenty teams or so completed both laps before she completed her own, tell her that doesn't matter. Tell her emphatically. She didn't come in last place! In fact, she did her 5K in 44:30, which is a very fine performance indeed. I was able to pass a couple of blokes on my lap, thus are slight rise from last place.
Go Team!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A Postcard You Wouldn't Expect
There is, in my collection of things, a postcard sent from the Napa Valley to two young girls in San Jose in 1993. The older sister was two years old; the younger, six months. The picture on the front is titled "The Rhine House in Summer" and the preprinted facts on the back say this:
"Beringer Vineyards, the oldest continuously operating winery in the Napa Valley, was founded in 1876 by Frederick and Jacob Beringer. In 1883, this seventeen-room gothic mansion, now known as the Rhine House, was built to be the private residence of Frederick Beringer. It was patterned after the Beringer home on the Rhine River in Mainz, Germany. The home now serves as the winery's hospitality center."
Below that is personal note from the girls' uncle:
Hello [names removed]!
I'm sitting on the can so I thought I'd drop you a line. We were in Napa a couple of weeks ago, but now we're in Washington, D.C. Tomorrow we're going to the White House and the Capitol, etc. Out of all the cities we've visited, I think New York has the most hookers.
Love, Uncle [name removed]
Now that the girls are coming of age, I have decided that this is the right time to unveil this little masterpiece. It is surely a family keepsake that will charm descendants for many years to come.
"Beringer Vineyards, the oldest continuously operating winery in the Napa Valley, was founded in 1876 by Frederick and Jacob Beringer. In 1883, this seventeen-room gothic mansion, now known as the Rhine House, was built to be the private residence of Frederick Beringer. It was patterned after the Beringer home on the Rhine River in Mainz, Germany. The home now serves as the winery's hospitality center."
Below that is personal note from the girls' uncle:
Hello [names removed]!
I'm sitting on the can so I thought I'd drop you a line. We were in Napa a couple of weeks ago, but now we're in Washington, D.C. Tomorrow we're going to the White House and the Capitol, etc. Out of all the cities we've visited, I think New York has the most hookers.
Love, Uncle [name removed]
Now that the girls are coming of age, I have decided that this is the right time to unveil this little masterpiece. It is surely a family keepsake that will charm descendants for many years to come.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Breakthrough
Amazon.com has something called the Breakthrough Novel Awards. It's been around for at least a couple of years, but was new to me a few weeks ago when I heard about it. Apparently you nominate yourself (or perhaps someone can nominate you) and you see what happens. They have two categories: General Fiction and Young Adult Fiction.
Entrants submit a three-hundred word pitch (summary) and a 5,000-word excerpt and a third file that contains the entire work. Those who live in fear of their stuff being hijacked need not apply! The pitch is used to choose 1,000 to go on to the second round of judging. I believe the excerpt is used to whittle the list down further, and the winner, one in each category, receives a publishing contract with Penguin including a $15,000 advance.
Mmm . . . that smells very nice, that amount, doesn't it? And all you have to do is win!
I decided to compile the required items and enter one written work in each category. I chose Will Teach For Food for the Gen Fic and The Average Family for the YA Fic. This afternoon I heard that both made the first cut and are in the second round as one of 1,000 entries. These are not astounding odds, of course, but better than the lottery, and according to the list I downloaded both are near #56. From an alphabetical standpoint, using the author's last name. Listed by title Average Family would be near #1! Will Teach For Food, sadly, would be near the bottom.
None of which really means anything. They'll be announcing the 500 quarter-finalists on March 22, 2011, and I will share the results with you, win or lose. And let's face it, even if I make the next cut, it is unlikely that the fifteen grand is going to end up in my wallet.
But what if . . .
Entrants submit a three-hundred word pitch (summary) and a 5,000-word excerpt and a third file that contains the entire work. Those who live in fear of their stuff being hijacked need not apply! The pitch is used to choose 1,000 to go on to the second round of judging. I believe the excerpt is used to whittle the list down further, and the winner, one in each category, receives a publishing contract with Penguin including a $15,000 advance.
Mmm . . . that smells very nice, that amount, doesn't it? And all you have to do is win!
I decided to compile the required items and enter one written work in each category. I chose Will Teach For Food for the Gen Fic and The Average Family for the YA Fic. This afternoon I heard that both made the first cut and are in the second round as one of 1,000 entries. These are not astounding odds, of course, but better than the lottery, and according to the list I downloaded both are near #56. From an alphabetical standpoint, using the author's last name. Listed by title Average Family would be near #1! Will Teach For Food, sadly, would be near the bottom.
None of which really means anything. They'll be announcing the 500 quarter-finalists on March 22, 2011, and I will share the results with you, win or lose. And let's face it, even if I make the next cut, it is unlikely that the fifteen grand is going to end up in my wallet.
But what if . . .
Friday, February 18, 2011
Too Much Information
My gas meter has apparently acquired the ability to connect to the Internet. If this sort of thing continues with the rest of my appliances, I think I'll move to a cave somewhere.
Read the sad story here.
Read the sad story here.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Old Fribble
If you aren't familiar with the Motley Fool, it is a personal finance website. If you aren't familiar with Fribbles, they are what the Motley Fool used to publish as reader commentary. The Fool's stated purpose: to educate, amuse & enrich.
If you aren't familiar with Where the Wild Things Are, it is a famous children's book. If you aren't familiar with Maurice Sendak, he is the author of the aforementioned book.
If you aren't familiar with my Fribble, now you can be. (By way of caveat, be it known that on fool.com it is good to be an uppercase-F Fool, and, conversely, bad to be Wise, because the so-called Wise are misguided sheep who don't think for themselves.)
Read on.
If you aren't familiar with Where the Wild Things Are, it is a famous children's book. If you aren't familiar with Maurice Sendak, he is the author of the aforementioned book.
If you aren't familiar with my Fribble, now you can be. (By way of caveat, be it known that on fool.com it is good to be an uppercase-F Fool, and, conversely, bad to be Wise, because the so-called Wise are misguided sheep who don't think for themselves.)
Read on.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Two years without TV
I wrote the following when the digital television revolution was just getting underway. I was at risk of losing television reception because we operated only with a rooftop antenna. Two years later, we still have the antenna and a snowy screen. At this point I am waiting for a friend or neighbor to upgrade their digital-ready TV to something even bigger and fancier so that I can inherit something that will work.
The Campbell Reporter
Home > The Campbell Reporter Home > Columns
0806 | Friday, February 8, 2008
Columns
Watching TV shouldn't be this difficult
By Matt Baxter
The scurrying, meddling, mysterious people who hastened the demise of my Betamax, my stereo turntable and my easy-to-repair mechanical car have turned their attention to my television. Under the guise of "improvement" and "quality," I am being forced out of my comfortable recliner to research and make the switch to digital television reception.
The only problem is, I don't want to. I am uninterested in HDTV, flat screen behemoths, plasma doodads, or televisions that can communicate with my computer.
There is a sturdy and faithful rooftop antenna on my house that provides all the TV channels I need. Sure, 500-channel people snicker at the eight channels I receive, but they also enjoy a good laugh when they learn I don't have a microwave oven to prepare some sickening buttery popcorn to munch on while I watch the paltry airwave offerings.
It came as some surprise when I was informed that the government was mandating a change to how I watched TV. No more would the antenna suffice. Soon we would be an all-digital nation (apparently a more pressing need than feeding the hungry or housing the homeless), and if I steadfastly stayed with my antenna all I would receive as of early 2009 would be a screen full of static.
I hear fancy words in the media to describe the reasons for the change: "freeing up parts of the valuable broadcast spectrum for public safety communications," and "providing consumers with a more efficient technology and even more channels" (because 500 isn't enough).
The truth is it boils down to two things: increasing television set sales and auctioning some of this broadcast spectrum to wireless companies. In other words, reason No. 1 is money, and reason No. 2 is money. Does this surprise you?
Knowing full well that there is a subset of the American people who don't jump onto each miraculous technology as soon as it is developed, or even as soon as "everyone must have it," the folks in charge have tried to offer some middle ground. A small, inexpensive box will be available that will somehow translate the digital transmission through my antenna and into my TV.
Don't ask me how it works. I can no longer explain how my car works either, now that the engine compartment is stuffed side-to-side with computers, electronics and magic. Whatever happened to having room to shove my wrench in and replace a part?
To entice stalwart revolutionaries who are fully prepared to throw out their TVs in defiance of this new world order, coupons for $40 are being offered to offset the cost of this "enchanted converter box" or whatever they are calling it. And because the government truly cares about me (witness the 114-page love letter it just delivered titled "2007 1040 Forms & Instructions") it will offer me two. That's practically $80! All I had to do was go online and order the coupons.
Hmm, online ... that would be that Internet thing I keep hearing about, right? Well, without such access at home I would have to wait until I was at work. Or maybe the public library, where they still have books that don't need a digital converter thingamajig to read. I've got plenty of time, I'll get the coupons later.
But wait, the government says, this is really important and we don't want you to miss another episode of your favorite TV show (which is currently not in production because of the Hollywood writers' strike) so call this toll-free number and order your coupons. Surely even you, a grumpy and anti-social Neo-Luddite, have a telephone?
Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do. So I dial the number and a recorded message asks me to press 1 for English, followed by further instructions in other languages, none of which I understand. I look at my rotary phone and recall that its numbers don't have "buttons" but actually have "holes" into which I insert my finger to "dial" the phone (which, incidentally, took quite some time with all those eights and nines and zeroes). There is no 1 to "press."
I hang up the phone. Perhaps I should just give in and purchase the super-duper high-tech television that I am being herded toward. But no! If I give in now, what will happen next? Is my refrigerator substandard because one of its door hinges is held together with a twisted-up paperclip? Will I be required to trade in my broom and rusty push mower for powered versions? Can I not just heat up leftovers on my stovetop rather than nuking them?
Watching TV isn't supposed to be this hard. I think I'm going to go to the library right now, but not for their online access.
I'm going to check out a few good books.
The Campbell Reporter
Home > The Campbell Reporter Home > Columns
0806 | Friday, February 8, 2008
Columns
Watching TV shouldn't be this difficult
By Matt Baxter
The scurrying, meddling, mysterious people who hastened the demise of my Betamax, my stereo turntable and my easy-to-repair mechanical car have turned their attention to my television. Under the guise of "improvement" and "quality," I am being forced out of my comfortable recliner to research and make the switch to digital television reception.
The only problem is, I don't want to. I am uninterested in HDTV, flat screen behemoths, plasma doodads, or televisions that can communicate with my computer.
There is a sturdy and faithful rooftop antenna on my house that provides all the TV channels I need. Sure, 500-channel people snicker at the eight channels I receive, but they also enjoy a good laugh when they learn I don't have a microwave oven to prepare some sickening buttery popcorn to munch on while I watch the paltry airwave offerings.
It came as some surprise when I was informed that the government was mandating a change to how I watched TV. No more would the antenna suffice. Soon we would be an all-digital nation (apparently a more pressing need than feeding the hungry or housing the homeless), and if I steadfastly stayed with my antenna all I would receive as of early 2009 would be a screen full of static.
I hear fancy words in the media to describe the reasons for the change: "freeing up parts of the valuable broadcast spectrum for public safety communications," and "providing consumers with a more efficient technology and even more channels" (because 500 isn't enough).
The truth is it boils down to two things: increasing television set sales and auctioning some of this broadcast spectrum to wireless companies. In other words, reason No. 1 is money, and reason No. 2 is money. Does this surprise you?
Knowing full well that there is a subset of the American people who don't jump onto each miraculous technology as soon as it is developed, or even as soon as "everyone must have it," the folks in charge have tried to offer some middle ground. A small, inexpensive box will be available that will somehow translate the digital transmission through my antenna and into my TV.
Don't ask me how it works. I can no longer explain how my car works either, now that the engine compartment is stuffed side-to-side with computers, electronics and magic. Whatever happened to having room to shove my wrench in and replace a part?
To entice stalwart revolutionaries who are fully prepared to throw out their TVs in defiance of this new world order, coupons for $40 are being offered to offset the cost of this "enchanted converter box" or whatever they are calling it. And because the government truly cares about me (witness the 114-page love letter it just delivered titled "2007 1040 Forms & Instructions") it will offer me two. That's practically $80! All I had to do was go online and order the coupons.
Hmm, online ... that would be that Internet thing I keep hearing about, right? Well, without such access at home I would have to wait until I was at work. Or maybe the public library, where they still have books that don't need a digital converter thingamajig to read. I've got plenty of time, I'll get the coupons later.
But wait, the government says, this is really important and we don't want you to miss another episode of your favorite TV show (which is currently not in production because of the Hollywood writers' strike) so call this toll-free number and order your coupons. Surely even you, a grumpy and anti-social Neo-Luddite, have a telephone?
Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do. So I dial the number and a recorded message asks me to press 1 for English, followed by further instructions in other languages, none of which I understand. I look at my rotary phone and recall that its numbers don't have "buttons" but actually have "holes" into which I insert my finger to "dial" the phone (which, incidentally, took quite some time with all those eights and nines and zeroes). There is no 1 to "press."
I hang up the phone. Perhaps I should just give in and purchase the super-duper high-tech television that I am being herded toward. But no! If I give in now, what will happen next? Is my refrigerator substandard because one of its door hinges is held together with a twisted-up paperclip? Will I be required to trade in my broom and rusty push mower for powered versions? Can I not just heat up leftovers on my stovetop rather than nuking them?
Watching TV isn't supposed to be this hard. I think I'm going to go to the library right now, but not for their online access.
I'm going to check out a few good books.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Pants on Fire
Liar, liar, pants on fire, hangin' on a telephone wire.
Here is my recent newspaper column on the issue.
Here is my recent newspaper column on the issue.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Press Release: Beer Maker
SAN JOSE, CA - Author Matt Baxter answers the question, "What do you do when you have too much free time and too much money" in his new novel, Beer Maker (294 pages, $14.99), available from lulu.com.The story:
Alex Krieger has a lot of problems. He made too much money working for Digital Tombstone, Inc. during its lucrative start-up phase. He has too much free time after quitting his job. He has access to too much free beer from his father’s bar. These are not common problems for the average twenty-eight-and-a-half-year-old, and Alex has difficulty finding anyone who can relate.
Friends encourage him to get back to work. His girlfriend disturbs him with her odd sexual idiosyncrasy. And he organizes a Thirtieth Anniversary party for his parents with his father’s half-hearted help while keeping his mother in the dark. It is a thankless task, for which no one, oddly enough, thanks him.
Alex goes on a quest to find a hobby and possible career. He leaves no stone unturned, as long as the stones can be found in liquor stores, taverns, and home brewing retail shops. He turns to the part-time clean-up guy at his father’s bar for advice, and they start making beer at home.
Then, thwarted by an oddly dressed sociopath from the home brew store, a fellow who calls himself Mad Czech, Alex finds he has a whole new set of problems.
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