Christmas Three

For many years we put up a Christmas tree. It was a family event, and the children's eyes sparkled as they strung the lights and tinsel and hung each ornament with a solemnity that defied description. Therefore that is the extent of the description. We also hung outdoor lights and spent too much. All fine American traditions.

Then we tired of some of the spectacle. Eventually we even chose not to have a tree. One year I attempted to make a tree-like sculpture with some extra PVC pipe left over from a backyard plumbing project. I drilled holes in the pipes so the kids could hang some ornaments, but it lacked the splendor. I promised I wouldn't repeat the experiment.

I did try a miniature tree, though, a twelve-inch darling we got for free and which I placed on top of a stereo speaker. We would stand in a circle and gaze down at the tree in all its glory.

A couple of years ago there was some clamoring for another tree. Something about it being the last Christmas before the eldest child left for college. Boo hoo, I said, but I was quickly outvoted. Now we are several years into the new tree routine, and we have a skinny, leaning twig of a tree propped up against the living room wall. Hark the herald angels sing. Sure.

Our old tree stand was a sturdy metal thing that never gave us a bit of a problem. The one we have now is a big box store version: it's a large plastic thing that could hold a tree of hefty girth. It is bigger than most people need. It is the SUV of Christmas tree stands. It is the portable storage unit of Christmas tree stands. It is the Costco of Christmas tree stands. It is the four-car garage of Christmas tree stands. It is the two terabyte back up hard drive of Christmas tree stands. It is the excessive metaphor of Christmas tree stands. It is the . . . oh, never mind.

The opening in the stand is so wide that the screws from each of the four compass points (if the stand is placed in perfect feng shui position) barely reach the wood. It is a nice tree, but it is faced with an eight-foot ceiling. And we are not so obsessed with achieving the maximum effect that we got a tree with great girth. Therefore, the murdering screws don't embed themselves deeply enough that the tree is held firmly. It listed every time we tried to make it as straight as possible. I put four wood blocks at the end of the screws which helped, but it still leans. For a while it looked like it was going to lean right over the dog bed so I turned the tree around. If it leans anywhere, it will lean gently against the edge of the fireplace. No harm done to the ornaments.

Meanwhile, the family tells me that the back of the tree now shows at the front, and it was not heavily decorated (as the back of the tree never is). I say it doesn't really matter. It is not as if we are going to have so many visitors over the holidays that we care a whole lot what the front of tree looks like. After all, it doesn't look under-decorated unless one looks at the back. And what goofy guest is going to do that? Besides, in a couple of weeks the tree is going to be dumped into the gutter.

Ho ho ho.