I have never been the greatest April Fool. Mind you, I can be a fool at any time of the year, but as far as perpetrating a good April Fool's joke I have come up a bit short. Nothing that ever really compared to what I considered the standard: my mom calling to the three kids early in the morning, "Snow! It's snowing, kids, run and look!"
My sister, brother, and I ran to the living room shutters and threw them upon . . . to gaze on a sunshiny and blue sky morning. It was April 1 and we lived in San Jose, California. If we had given even a moment for rational consideration we would not have fallen for it. But we were young, sleepy, and Mom was usually a trustworthy sort, so we ran, and looked, and were disappointed, and then laughed. If I remember it practically forty years later you know it must have been good.
I probably pranked my kids when they were young, but nothing really comes to mind. Which makes them not memorable. The one I do remember was when a friend and I taught kindergarten in adjoining rooms back around 2006. I was in Room 13 and Aimee was in Room 14 but we taped paper over those numbers on the classroom doors and wrote the other number. We swapped the pupils' pencil boxes and a few other items to give the semblance of our own rooms.
When the morning bell rang, we opened each other's door and looked at each other's students. I said, "Mrs. Kalivoda is over there" and pointed down to my classroom. Her students scampered to her as mine walked toward me with a thousand questions. The parents looked a bit confused as well.
Escorting the students inside, I pretended that nothing was the matter and proved my thesis by pointing out their pencil boxes. Then I passed out their morning work and told them to get busy. Through the opening to Room 13 we could see Aimee was doing the same thing with her students.
The parents figured it out, laughed, and left. Most of them figured it out. I think a few truly thought we had changed classrooms. Aimee and I continued the joke for a while, with morning read-alouds in the wrong rooms. Then we got back to normal.
Proof that it was successful and memorable: a sixth grader who experienced that joke-of-jokes six years ago just brought it up, telling me how funny it was. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all the proof I need.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Beyond an Ironman
You are probably familiar with the triathlon: swim, bike, and run. The Ironman is the über-triathlon . . . 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bicycle ride, followed by your garden variety marathon of 26.2 miles. I can only dream of such a thing; I'm just not that much of a swimmer. An acquaintance is competing in the Texas Ironman this May and I look forward to hearing of his adventure.
I have run marathons, 36 to this point. Though truth be told two of those were 50-milers. I have spent time on my feet. Last year I rode my bicycle about 4600 miles. I aspire to a few other achievements, namely the Tahoe Triple (three marathons in three days, encircling the lake) and another 12-hour footrace (rather than how fast can you run a distance, this is how far can you go in an amount of time).
Maybe we're all nuts, but let me tell you, what I have to impart here is really nuts.
In Brooklyn, New York, in 1879, an Englishwoman named Ada Anderson walked 2700 quarter miles in 2700 quarter hours. Consecutively. To rephrase: every fifteen minutes she walked a quarter mile, or one lap around a conventional track. By timing it right, in other words walking one quarter-mile at the beginning of a quarter-hour and walking the next quarter-mile toward the end of the next quarter-hour, she might have twenty minutes rest max. Usually it was more like ten.
And she did this for 28 days, without cease. Every fifteen minutes, a lap. Can you say sleep deprivation? I knew you could.
Two years later, Exilda La Chapelle exceeded this accomplishment in Chicago. She walked 3000 quarter miles in 3000 quarter hours. That's 31 days and change.
No more whining from me about how hard it is to run for four or five hours. Clearly I ain't done nothin' yet. There's a track over at the Campbell Community Center. Maybe I'll look into taking it over for a few hours . . . or a few weeks. Maybe I'll give a go at this insane physical accomplishment. Maybe I'll call Kurtis and see if he wants to join me.
I have run marathons, 36 to this point. Though truth be told two of those were 50-milers. I have spent time on my feet. Last year I rode my bicycle about 4600 miles. I aspire to a few other achievements, namely the Tahoe Triple (three marathons in three days, encircling the lake) and another 12-hour footrace (rather than how fast can you run a distance, this is how far can you go in an amount of time).
Maybe we're all nuts, but let me tell you, what I have to impart here is really nuts.
In Brooklyn, New York, in 1879, an Englishwoman named Ada Anderson walked 2700 quarter miles in 2700 quarter hours. Consecutively. To rephrase: every fifteen minutes she walked a quarter mile, or one lap around a conventional track. By timing it right, in other words walking one quarter-mile at the beginning of a quarter-hour and walking the next quarter-mile toward the end of the next quarter-hour, she might have twenty minutes rest max. Usually it was more like ten.
And she did this for 28 days, without cease. Every fifteen minutes, a lap. Can you say sleep deprivation? I knew you could.
Two years later, Exilda La Chapelle exceeded this accomplishment in Chicago. She walked 3000 quarter miles in 3000 quarter hours. That's 31 days and change.
No more whining from me about how hard it is to run for four or five hours. Clearly I ain't done nothin' yet. There's a track over at the Campbell Community Center. Maybe I'll look into taking it over for a few hours . . . or a few weeks. Maybe I'll give a go at this insane physical accomplishment. Maybe I'll call Kurtis and see if he wants to join me.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
No Breakthrough
Well, it is always nice to be nominated, even if you don't win. That's what celebrity always say after the Oscars or the Tonys or the Emmys or the . . . other million award ceremonies where celebrities get all celebrified.
It is nice to be nominated. That's why I nominated myself for Amazon's Breakthrough Novel awards last month. I don't know how many were turned away from first round voting, but I survived. And now that the second round cut has been made, I have been vanquished. Summarily dismissed. I am not amongst the 250 still with the potential of being officially published (of course 249 of those people will be soon crying in their soup as I am now, but for right now they are winners!).
This was to be expected. It wasn't as unlikely as, say, winning the lottery, but the odds were against me. And now the odds have fallen on me.
But cheer on with me those who remain, for they are all potential winners. One real winner, but 250 potential winners. And that will have to sustain them until the moment they are disappointed. I will do my part toward restoring their faith in humanity by offering my two self-nominated books, Will Teach For Food and The Average Family, for sale. Here. Other great books are there as well. Take your time while browsing.
Sure, it is nice to be nominated, but it is better to win.
It is nice to be nominated. That's why I nominated myself for Amazon's Breakthrough Novel awards last month. I don't know how many were turned away from first round voting, but I survived. And now that the second round cut has been made, I have been vanquished. Summarily dismissed. I am not amongst the 250 still with the potential of being officially published (of course 249 of those people will be soon crying in their soup as I am now, but for right now they are winners!).
This was to be expected. It wasn't as unlikely as, say, winning the lottery, but the odds were against me. And now the odds have fallen on me.
But cheer on with me those who remain, for they are all potential winners. One real winner, but 250 potential winners. And that will have to sustain them until the moment they are disappointed. I will do my part toward restoring their faith in humanity by offering my two self-nominated books, Will Teach For Food and The Average Family, for sale. Here. Other great books are there as well. Take your time while browsing.
Sure, it is nice to be nominated, but it is better to win.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A Postcard You Wouldn't Expect #2
Last week I shared a postcard from 1993. Later the next year, the same fellow sent another greeting to the two girls and their newly arrived brother. So, three kids, aged four years and younger, took a look at the picture of William Shakespeare's birthplace in Stratford-upon-Avon, and then read the following:
Hi [names removed]!
We're having a lovely time in England. We have visited charming English gardens, mighty medieval castles, grand, dramatic cathedrals, Shakespeare's delightful home--pictured here--and the pastoral Lakes. Everything went smoothly until the railroad workers went on strike and shut down the trains. Those bastards. I think I'm going to kick all of their asses.
Love, Uncle [XXXX] and Aunt [XXXX]
Wasn't it nice of him to drag his wife into his unholy message?
Hi [names removed]!
We're having a lovely time in England. We have visited charming English gardens, mighty medieval castles, grand, dramatic cathedrals, Shakespeare's delightful home--pictured here--and the pastoral Lakes. Everything went smoothly until the railroad workers went on strike and shut down the trains. Those bastards. I think I'm going to kick all of their asses.
Love, Uncle [XXXX] and Aunt [XXXX]
Wasn't it nice of him to drag his wife into his unholy message?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Couples Relay Results
If you read about the race I signed up my wife for without telling her, I can now share the results with you. Actually, even if you didn't read it I can share them.
Kristin and I ran in the 33rd annual Lake Merritt Joggers and Striders' Couples Relay on February 27, 2011. One partner runs around the lake first, and then tags off the second runner. It is just about exactly a 5K for each (3.1 miles). The female runs first. On our team, that would be Kristin. She was worried about coming in last, but as she has never come in last place in any run that was unlikely. The competition did look a bit fierce. Lots of real "runners" in their runner clothes and doing their runner warm ups.
Since it is a Couples Relay, the only results that count are the team results. We came in 150 out of 155, which is definitely not last place. If Kristin tells you that she came in last in the first group of runners, or that nearly twenty teams or so completed both laps before she completed her own, tell her that doesn't matter. Tell her emphatically. She didn't come in last place! In fact, she did her 5K in 44:30, which is a very fine performance indeed. I was able to pass a couple of blokes on my lap, thus are slight rise from last place.
Go Team!
Kristin and I ran in the 33rd annual Lake Merritt Joggers and Striders' Couples Relay on February 27, 2011. One partner runs around the lake first, and then tags off the second runner. It is just about exactly a 5K for each (3.1 miles). The female runs first. On our team, that would be Kristin. She was worried about coming in last, but as she has never come in last place in any run that was unlikely. The competition did look a bit fierce. Lots of real "runners" in their runner clothes and doing their runner warm ups.
Since it is a Couples Relay, the only results that count are the team results. We came in 150 out of 155, which is definitely not last place. If Kristin tells you that she came in last in the first group of runners, or that nearly twenty teams or so completed both laps before she completed her own, tell her that doesn't matter. Tell her emphatically. She didn't come in last place! In fact, she did her 5K in 44:30, which is a very fine performance indeed. I was able to pass a couple of blokes on my lap, thus are slight rise from last place.
Go Team!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A Postcard You Wouldn't Expect
There is, in my collection of things, a postcard sent from the Napa Valley to two young girls in San Jose in 1993. The older sister was two years old; the younger, six months. The picture on the front is titled "The Rhine House in Summer" and the preprinted facts on the back say this:
"Beringer Vineyards, the oldest continuously operating winery in the Napa Valley, was founded in 1876 by Frederick and Jacob Beringer. In 1883, this seventeen-room gothic mansion, now known as the Rhine House, was built to be the private residence of Frederick Beringer. It was patterned after the Beringer home on the Rhine River in Mainz, Germany. The home now serves as the winery's hospitality center."
Below that is personal note from the girls' uncle:
Hello [names removed]!
I'm sitting on the can so I thought I'd drop you a line. We were in Napa a couple of weeks ago, but now we're in Washington, D.C. Tomorrow we're going to the White House and the Capitol, etc. Out of all the cities we've visited, I think New York has the most hookers.
Love, Uncle [name removed]
Now that the girls are coming of age, I have decided that this is the right time to unveil this little masterpiece. It is surely a family keepsake that will charm descendants for many years to come.
"Beringer Vineyards, the oldest continuously operating winery in the Napa Valley, was founded in 1876 by Frederick and Jacob Beringer. In 1883, this seventeen-room gothic mansion, now known as the Rhine House, was built to be the private residence of Frederick Beringer. It was patterned after the Beringer home on the Rhine River in Mainz, Germany. The home now serves as the winery's hospitality center."
Below that is personal note from the girls' uncle:
Hello [names removed]!
I'm sitting on the can so I thought I'd drop you a line. We were in Napa a couple of weeks ago, but now we're in Washington, D.C. Tomorrow we're going to the White House and the Capitol, etc. Out of all the cities we've visited, I think New York has the most hookers.
Love, Uncle [name removed]
Now that the girls are coming of age, I have decided that this is the right time to unveil this little masterpiece. It is surely a family keepsake that will charm descendants for many years to come.
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