Thursday, February 24, 2011

Breakthrough

Amazon.com has something called the Breakthrough Novel Awards. It's been around for at least a couple of years, but was new to me a few weeks ago when I heard about it. Apparently you nominate yourself (or perhaps someone can nominate you) and you see what happens. They have two categories: General Fiction and Young Adult Fiction.

Entrants submit a three-hundred word pitch (summary) and a 5,000-word excerpt and a third file that contains the entire work. Those who live in fear of their stuff being hijacked need not apply! The pitch is used to choose 1,000 to go on to the second round of judging. I believe the excerpt is used to whittle the list down further, and the winner, one in each category, receives a publishing contract with Penguin including a $15,000 advance.

Mmm . . . that smells very nice, that amount, doesn't it? And all you have to do is win!

I decided to compile the required items and enter one written work in each category. I chose Will Teach For Food for the Gen Fic and The Average Family for the YA Fic. This afternoon I heard that both made the first cut and are in the second round as one of 1,000 entries. These are not astounding odds, of course, but better than the lottery, and according to the list I downloaded both are near #56. From an alphabetical standpoint, using the author's last name. Listed by title Average Family would be near #1! Will Teach For Food, sadly, would be near the bottom.

None of which really means anything. They'll be announcing the 500 quarter-finalists on March 22, 2011, and I will share the results with you, win or lose. And let's face it, even if I make the next cut, it is unlikely that the fifteen grand is going to end up in my wallet.

But what if . . .

Friday, February 18, 2011

Too Much Information

My gas meter has apparently acquired the ability to connect to the Internet. If this sort of thing continues with the rest of my appliances, I think I'll move to a cave somewhere.

Read the sad story here.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Old Fribble

If you aren't familiar with the Motley Fool, it is a personal finance website. If you aren't familiar with Fribbles, they are what the Motley Fool used to publish as reader commentary. The Fool's stated purpose: to educate, amuse & enrich.

If you aren't familiar with Where the Wild Things Are, it is a famous children's book. If you aren't familiar with Maurice Sendak, he is the author of the aforementioned book.

If you aren't familiar with my Fribble, now you can be. (By way of caveat, be it known that on fool.com it is good to be an uppercase-F Fool, and, conversely, bad to be Wise, because the so-called Wise are misguided sheep who don't think for themselves.)

Read on.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Two years without TV

I wrote the following when the digital television revolution was just getting underway. I was at risk of losing television reception because we operated only with a rooftop antenna. Two years later, we still have the antenna and a snowy screen. At this point I am waiting for a friend or neighbor to upgrade their digital-ready TV to something even bigger and fancier so that I can inherit something that will work.

The Campbell Reporter
Home > The Campbell Reporter Home > Columns
0806 | Friday, February 8, 2008
Columns
Watching TV shouldn't be this difficult

By Matt Baxter

The scurrying, meddling, mysterious people who hastened the demise of my Betamax, my stereo turntable and my easy-to-repair mechanical car have turned their attention to my television. Under the guise of "improvement" and "quality," I am being forced out of my comfortable recliner to research and make the switch to digital television reception.

The only problem is, I don't want to. I am uninterested in HDTV, flat screen behemoths, plasma doodads, or televisions that can communicate with my computer.

There is a sturdy and faithful rooftop antenna on my house that provides all the TV channels I need. Sure, 500-channel people snicker at the eight channels I receive, but they also enjoy a good laugh when they learn I don't have a microwave oven to prepare some sickening buttery popcorn to munch on while I watch the paltry airwave offerings.

It came as some surprise when I was informed that the government was mandating a change to how I watched TV. No more would the antenna suffice. Soon we would be an all-digital nation (apparently a more pressing need than feeding the hungry or housing the homeless), and if I steadfastly stayed with my antenna all I would receive as of early 2009 would be a screen full of static.

I hear fancy words in the media to describe the reasons for the change: "freeing up parts of the valuable broadcast spectrum for public safety communications," and "providing consumers with a more efficient technology and even more channels" (because 500 isn't enough).

The truth is it boils down to two things: increasing television set sales and auctioning some of this broadcast spectrum to wireless companies. In other words, reason No. 1 is money, and reason No. 2 is money. Does this surprise you?

Knowing full well that there is a subset of the American people who don't jump onto each miraculous technology as soon as it is developed, or even as soon as "everyone must have it," the folks in charge have tried to offer some middle ground. A small, inexpensive box will be available that will somehow translate the digital transmission through my antenna and into my TV.

Don't ask me how it works. I can no longer explain how my car works either, now that the engine compartment is stuffed side-to-side with computers, electronics and magic. Whatever happened to having room to shove my wrench in and replace a part?

To entice stalwart revolutionaries who are fully prepared to throw out their TVs in defiance of this new world order, coupons for $40 are being offered to offset the cost of this "enchanted converter box" or whatever they are calling it. And because the government truly cares about me (witness the 114-page love letter it just delivered titled "2007 1040 Forms & Instructions") it will offer me two. That's practically $80! All I had to do was go online and order the coupons.

Hmm, online ... that would be that Internet thing I keep hearing about, right? Well, without such access at home I would have to wait until I was at work. Or maybe the public library, where they still have books that don't need a digital converter thingamajig to read. I've got plenty of time, I'll get the coupons later.

But wait, the government says, this is really important and we don't want you to miss another episode of your favorite TV show (which is currently not in production because of the Hollywood writers' strike) so call this toll-free number and order your coupons. Surely even you, a grumpy and anti-social Neo-Luddite, have a telephone?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do. So I dial the number and a recorded message asks me to press 1 for English, followed by further instructions in other languages, none of which I understand. I look at my rotary phone and recall that its numbers don't have "buttons" but actually have "holes" into which I insert my finger to "dial" the phone (which, incidentally, took quite some time with all those eights and nines and zeroes). There is no 1 to "press."

I hang up the phone. Perhaps I should just give in and purchase the super-duper high-tech television that I am being herded toward. But no! If I give in now, what will happen next? Is my refrigerator substandard because one of its door hinges is held together with a twisted-up paperclip? Will I be required to trade in my broom and rusty push mower for powered versions? Can I not just heat up leftovers on my stovetop rather than nuking them?

Watching TV isn't supposed to be this hard. I think I'm going to go to the library right now, but not for their online access.

I'm going to check out a few good books.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Pants on Fire

Liar, liar, pants on fire, hangin' on a telephone wire.

Here is my recent newspaper column on the issue.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Press Release: Beer Maker

SAN JOSE, CA - Author Matt Baxter answers the question, "What do you do when you have too much free time and too much money" in his new novel, Beer Maker (294 pages, $14.99), available from lulu.com.

The story:

Alex Krieger has a lot of problems. He made too much money working for Digital Tombstone, Inc. during its lucrative start-up phase. He has too much free time after quitting his job. He has access to too much free beer from his father’s bar. These are not common problems for the average twenty-eight-and-a-half-year-old, and Alex has difficulty finding anyone who can relate.

Friends encourage him to get back to work. His girlfriend disturbs him with her odd sexual idiosyncrasy. And he organizes a Thirtieth Anniversary party for his parents with his father’s half-hearted help while keeping his mother in the dark. It is a thankless task, for which no one, oddly enough, thanks him.

Alex goes on a quest to find a hobby and possible career. He leaves no stone unturned, as long as the stones can be found in liquor stores, taverns, and home brewing retail shops. He turns to the part-time clean-up guy at his father’s bar for advice, and they start making beer at home.

Then, thwarted by an oddly dressed sociopath from the home brew store, a fellow who calls himself Mad Czech, Alex finds he has a whole new set of problems.